Finding Blessings in the Struggles: Revisiting 2020

The last day of 2020. I never could have imagined one year ago how life would be so different in the upcoming months. In a short time the world shut down: travel stopped, schools/churches/businesses closed, store shelves emptied, and life moved online. Fear swelled, panic broke out, and life as we knew it halted. In its place brought covid case testing, toilet paper and cleaning supply shortages, stay-at-home orders, mass production of masks and sanitizer, and media overload. Yet in the midst of the chaos, God remained faithful. His blessings didn't end; I just had to look for them. This was a choice I had to make, especially when I was overwhelmed with negativity. 

Instead of looking back at 2020 wishing it didn't happen (although at times I did), I look back with gratefulness. Every year brings joy and heartache, and this year was no different in that regard. I asked often throughout the last year why God would be allowing all of this chaos to happen. He was in control of it all. He could make it stop. However, the answer I got was it wasn't my job to know the whys. I simply needed to trust. Maybe God wanted to send a "wake up call" to slow down from the fast paced, overworked lives we tend to live. To focus on more important things, like our relationships with Him and family. Or maybe it's to focus on others' needs and how to serve them. Whatever the case, I believe He is orchestrating all the events for His purpose. 

I'm so grateful for the addition of my nephew in April. In the midst of all the confusion that was going on, he was like a bundle of hope/light coming into our lives. I have gotten to watch him grow and reach milestones the last several months. I'm thankful for more time with family: doing puzzles, playing games, watching movies, and just being together. I've had time to pick up old hobbies such as scrapbooking, camping, playing the guitar, and reading. The stay-at-home months gave me more focused time to spend with God in prayer and devotions. 

God showed his daily provision by giving us exactly what we needed when we needed it: replacing a furnace and washer, fixing water heater and stove gas leaks, transmission repair, and more in just a couple months time. He provided jobs for my sisters in the middle of a pandemic. He provided support during the lonely, anxious times, whether it was in person or through zoom calls. I was able to continue homeschooling online and maintain an income. He truly is the great provider. 

There were also many opportunities to enjoy God's beautiful nature: walks, camping under the stars, sitting in the backyard by a fire, or hammocking by the lake. I began to really appreciate the quiet moments and found peace during the times of reflection and rest. I'm thankful for seemingly little things like being able to buy a pool for the backyard (since I love to swim), a day out shopping (even if we had to go to Indiana), coffee with a friend, seeing my co-op kiddos' smiles every week, and spending holidays with family (even if it didn't turn out quite as we hoped). 

Technology is a blessing. I was able to attend a wedding in the Dominican Republic via zoom. I am able to see my dad, even though he has been "locked down" for most of the year, and he can see his grandson. I can facetime family to keep up to date. Groceries can be ordered and delivered. Bible study groups can still connect. Churches went to online services, reaching more people who wouldn't have gone to church otherwise. What an opportunity to send the gospel into countless homes!    

This year has given me a lot of time, maybe too much, to overthink things. Typically I would fill my days with busyness to keep my mind occupied, but with so many things closed or cancelled it was difficult. I've been learning to not run from the slow pace, but to use this time to face what I fear, enjoy a quiet moment, press in to God, and connect with the people I'm with. 

I can acknowledge I miss the "normalcy". I miss hugging my dad. I miss going to our library with my student and teaching in person. I miss going out to eat with family and sitting in a restaurant. I miss the pre-mask days. I miss traveling without restrictions. I miss a lot of things that I won't list. However, I'm reminded that these days won't last forever. Certain things will go back to "normal" in time. I won't take them for granted when they do.  

I recognize how tough this year has been, but I am thankful for the blessings that have come from it and the things it has taught me. I know God's faithfulness will continue to carry me through whatever 2021 brings, because His faithfulness endures forever.  

A Decade of Memories

Wow! It's already the end of another year, another decade as well. As I reflect back over the past ten years, I recall so many amazing things that have happened. As is life, there were highs and there were lows. I remember times of dancing around with excitement at wonderful news and times of deep sorrow that seemed to crush me. I have felt overwhelming depression and anxiety, yet also overwhelming peace. I have experienced devastating loneliness as well as building of new friendships. I've gone through times of financial instability, yet God has ALWAYS provided exactly what I need. He truly is the Good Shepherd. It's hard to take a decade and consolidate all that has happened, but I want to remember how I grew and changed. Many times I don't realize the importance of these moments, relationships, or events, until years later. I see how, despite my feelings at times, God has walked through every second of everyday with me, JUST AS HE PROMISED. He has guided and directed my steps according to HIS perfect timing, not mine. He has been refining me in the fire, regardless of how painful it is. My trust and dependence on Him has been tested and strengthened. Through it all, He is GOOD! 

These are my top 10 memories of the past decade that I want to share:

1. Births of my nieces and nephew: growing family

• Hailey (2010)
• Katy and Jacob (2012)

2. Summers as a counselor in New Mexico at Broken Arrow Bible Ranch (2011-2014): growing in lasting friendships and my relationship with God

3. Health: growing in dependence

• mild traumatic brain injury from a bad fall
• hospitalization
• vertebral artery dissection
• neurological issues

4. Mission Trips: growing outside my borders

• Haiti (May 2013) 
  
  
  
• Dominican Republic (2013, 2014, 2019) 
  
  
  
  
  
  
  

5. Volunteering with Broadway Christian Church (2013-2015): growing the next generation

youth conference: Holland, Michigan

youth conference: Peoria, IL

Ugly sweater Christmas party

ice skating with the girls

6. Training for and running a 5K (2014): growing physically healthier

We finished!

Awaiting the start

7. Beth's High School Graduation (May 2015) 

me and my baby sister

8. Teaching: growing professionally and venturing out

• closing of Charleston Christian Academy after 11 years (May 2015) 
  
  
• Santiago Christian School (2015-2018) 
  
  
• Sunshine Preschool (2018-2019) 
  
• Homeschooling (2018-2019) 
  

9. Losses/gains: growing emotionally

• deaths of several close friends
• deaths of pets 
• moves
• job changes
• adoption of furry friends

10. U.S. Traveling: growing in experiences

• Pennsylvania (2016) 

  

  Hershey, Pennsylvania

  
  
  
  

  

  Gettysburg, Pennsylvania

  

  Liberty Bell, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

  
  
  
• Westward journey with mom (2017): 10 states, 9 days 
  
  
  

  

  Mount Rushmore

  
  
• Michigan trip with Hannah (2019): exploring the northern part of the state 
  
• Wisconsin Dells (2019): celebrating some special 7 year olds
  

I always look expectantly upon the new year. I know it will bring times of challenge and sorrow. But more importantly it brings growth, joy, and HOPE. Whatever happens, one day I will look back and see how God fits it all together. I'm ready for some new adventures. Welcome 2020!

Goodbye 2018, Hello 2019

Wow! Another year has flown by! It seems like yesterday that we were celebrating 2018 and here we are again, one year later. In January I went with 13 friends to Samana in the Dominican Republic. It was a trip filled with rainstorms,  rainbows, an epic boat ride, and lots of laughter! Valentine's Day is one of my favorite holidays to celebrate with my students. We had photo props, a party with lots of goodies,  and fun games. In March I returned to the states. The following months were some of the most difficult I've ever faced. I had many things I needed to address and much healing that needed to take place. But God remained faithful through it all. He strategically placed people in my life to walk with me, to encourage me, and to challenge me. People that kept pointing me back to God's perfect time and plan. In this season God had to strip away everything that hindered me from going forward. I've had to learn that healing is a journey, not a specific point I reach. It's a journey with mountains and valleys.

Summer was busy with babysitting, a trip to New Mexico to reconnect with friends, and a trip back to the Dominican Republic. Beth got married in July! It's hard to believe my little sister is married.

In the fall God blessed me with jobs in the "teaching line". I got to experience being a preschool teacher's aide and homeschooling a 3rd grader. Both of which I love doing!

I loved being back to enjoy fall: the pumpkin patch, wonderful smells, fall foods, falling leaves. Fall is never long enough though.

Another big lesson that God had to teach me (is teaching me) is the value of being still. In October, life threw me a curveball. I went to the ER after experiencing extreme vertigo where I was diagnosed with a vertebral artery dissection. After being hospitalized and given an MRI, a stroke was ruled out. We could see God's hand over this whole situation because I was in the right place at the right time to be given the best care possible for this diagnosis. I was on strict limitations for several weeks. It is scary not to be able to see an injury or control what's going on inside of me. But I felt peace knowing I would receive good care whatever happened. In November I had some concerning symptoms that landed me back in the ER and after another CT scan I found out that the artery dissection had healed itself! It didn't explain my new symptoms, but this was a huge relief. This truly was something to celebrate on Thanksgiving.

Being home for December meant I got to help with all the Christmas baking and decorating. I'm "sugared out", filled up on Holiday Baking Championships, warmed by Hallmark movies, and entertained by Christmas lights with music. I loved family time and Christmas Eve candlelight services.

Christmas season is over and it's time to look forward to a new year and all it brings. In 2018 God taught me that "sometimes it requires more faith to work on the inside, to deal with my mental health, than to go off to another country". My perspective had to be changed. I'm excited to see what God has for me in 2019. My words for the year are hope and courage. Many times this past year felt hopeless, but where I felt most hopeless is where God showed up and is restoring hope. I had also been afraid to face many things so I could heal completely, but God is giving me courage, to step out of my comfort zone, and I know He will continue to do that as I embrace what He allows in my life.

So, welcome 2019!

"I only see a fraction of what God is doing in my life and it may not make any sense."

The Right Place To Be

After being home for a few weeks and looking ahead to how to proceed next, I've discovered/rediscovered a few things about myself. Some of this I've already shared but it all pulls together.

1.) Teaching was my idol- I told God if He ever took my teaching I would lose my purpose/my life.

SO HE TOOK IT.

2.) I had this misconception that I had to be a missionary "overseas" to have a real purpose for serving God to my greatest potential. From a young age I felt this calling, which I believe He still has for me, with a different mindset.

SO HE TOOK IT.

3.) I had to have my support system of friends, counselors, doctors that knew exactly (and understood) what I was thinking and feeling when words wouldn't come. They "got" me.

SO HE TOOK THEM.

4.) I had my safe places in the Dominican Republic where I could retreat (like the beach or the mountains) or a friend's home.

SO HE TOOK THEM.

And He showed me that the real answer to my healing is HIMSELF. I don't need to focus on people (as much as I still need them) as much as I need to run to HIM. I've based my life on expectations for myself, for others, for God. And now was the time for a shakedown.

It's a process that leaves me raw and exposed- everything stripped away.

Dare I say to God anymore that if I didn't have.........then.......?

It's a hard place to be, but it's here HE can begin to realign my dreams and His dreams for me with clarity in my heart and soul.

It is the refining process and I can choose to fight it and be miserable or accept this time in my life as HIS gift for me. To allow my heart to be changed- to be more alive to serve Him in even more amazing ways than I ever thought possible.

He will bring blessings out of my sorrows as I allow Him into those deep places. He will show me the way in which to walk. No longer will I seek the path that is dictated by my own ideas/actions. He wants 1st place and ALL of me. This is the beginning of a life that will be more meaningful as I keep HIM at the center. This is what He's revealing to me. It's not about teaching, people, country, beauty, health, just HIM.

Time of Transition

This was not what I ever expected. Little did I know how much my life would change in a week. Having taught 14 years, it is hard for me to imagine doing anything else. I would teach all year and volunteer during the summers. I always seemed to make it work. But, this year was challenging. I LOVE my students, but teaching seemed a lot more stressful and I was having problems adjusting to the classroom routines this year. The decision was made last week that I needed a "sabbatical". I needed to step back and reevaluate my plans. This was a HARD decision, but looking back a week later, I realize it was the right decision. I need time to rest and heal. Thankfully I had so much support through this process! My mom was able to come help me pack up all my belongings I'd accumulated over three years.

6 overweight suitcases, 3 carry ons, 1 guitar. I had precious friends who helped me pack my classroom and a dear friend (my Dominican momma) who is letting me store my teaching things at her house. Many tears were shed as I said goodbye to my SCS family. While most were celebrating spring break, I was finishing a chapter of my story. God's ways are higher than my ways. God has a reason for me returning to the US this year. I might not see it now, but He remains trustworthy. I need some time to take care of myself, to deal with some medical issues, while receiving the support of my family. Before we flew home, my mom and I took a day off to go to the beach. Playa Alicia is a beautiful beach!

We needed the calmness after the chaos of packing, sorting, and repacking. At one point I was sitting in the sand, letting it sift through my fingers, and God spoke to me. I tried to count each grain of sand, but found it to be impossible. There were so many different colors and sizes. It was impossible....for me.

Yet, God knows the number of the grains of sand on the earth, the number of hairs on my head, the number of stars in the sky. He cares about ME. Whatever I face, I am not alone. And THAT is enough. For the first time all week I felt a wave of peace sweep over me. He knows my future. He knows that this time off gives me time to learn Spanish, take classes at the University, volunteer, get involved with my church, spend time with family, or whatever else He wants for me. So I choose to embrace this time, not fight it. He showed me that I had let teaching become my idol. In the midst of brokenness over the years I turned to teaching for comfort. It was the one thing I told God to not take away, because I had to have that to turn to. In His graciousness, He decided now was the time to test me. It was very hard to fly away knowing I didn't have a return ticket. I was the one not clapping, but crying, on the plane as we landed in Miami.

Transition is hard! Many times already I have said I want to go "home". But I'm reminded this world is not my home. I'm just passing through. This is a season of my life and there is so much for me to look forward to. God's not done with me yet. I know in His perfect timing He will send me back to the Dominican Republic.

Living in the Present

Let me begin with a question. Do we really know those around us? Really know? For years I have struggled with anxiety without being able to explain what was happening inside me. I just thought I was going "crazy" and feared what people would think of me if they knew. I'd gotten good at hiding it. I was a "fixer" growing up and when things felt out of control I'd escape- leave the house, the situation, etc. I'd feel better, for a short time. I thought for most of my life I was doing a great job holding it all together. However, eventually I would implode and it would start over. I was caught in a vicious cycle. I'm beginning my entry this way to set the stage for the months in between my last post and this post.

At the end of the previous school year many staff left SCS. It was really hard to see so many go. But, it was God's plan that led them elsewhere and, for that, we rejoiced with them. The end of the year was very busy as it always is. I try to make the end of the year special for my students as it gets harder to focus with the excitement of summer plans running through their heads (and mine).

I began making my own summer plans and, on a crazy whim, decided to rent a car and head westward. My mom jumped at the chance of going with me. It turned into a 9 day trip, covering over 4,000 across 10 states. 

Our adventure included stopping points at some spectacular places such as Badlands National Park, Yellowstone, Salt Lake, Mount Rushmore, and Arches National Park.

I won't begin to go into detail about each stop, but we drove hours every day and did sightseeing for as long as we had daylight. We made memories that we won't ever forget! It was exhausting and I was so glad to finally get back home. My mom was a great traveling companion. She kept me entertained during the long hours of driving.
An adventure isn't truly an adventure without some challenges along the way, including a major hailstorm that did a lot of damage to our rental car. The rest of my summer was spent with family- traveling back and forth to see my older sister and go to Six Flags. She pushed me to do some rides I wouldn't normally do, but I surprisingly enjoyed (most of ) them.

Our family had some really difficult things going on and I found myself bottling a lot inside. I wanted to change different situations and couldn't. I was left feeling helpless and overwhelmed. I didn't realize at the time that I was taking on things that weren't mine to carry. The anxiety started showing itself through panic attacks after I arrived back in the Dominican Republic. I felt like I was going crazy. Little things would trigger a "flight" response. I tried and tried to "get better". The past continued to hold onto me, the present seemed burdensome, and the future consumed me with fears and worries. The time came that I finally reached out for help. I had to admit that I couldn't continue the way I had for too long. Simply surviving. But in the acknowledging of my lack of ability to understand myself, I found hope for the first time in awhile. I have a team of people who care about me, who are willing to walk this road with me, to challenge me, and encourage me. For too long I was silent about my anxiety. But in opening myself, I began to experience freedom. I don't base my worthiness on others or their views of me. I began to focus on me for the first time, not in fixing others or trying to change circumstances beyond my control. It's a process, a journey. Layer upon layer. Some days are great and others are much harder. I'm learning to be okay with both. I'm learning that things change, people come and go, the unexpected happens, and it's still okay! Again, I'm thankful for those who have been by me in the valleys and on the mountaintops. God put these people in my life for this time. They have been instruments of God's love to me when I needed it most. I haven't posted in awhile because it's hard to admit that life throws us curve balls and we choose our reaction to them. My reactions/thoughts aren't always rational, but I'm at a place now where I can talk it through. I find alternative ways to face fears and worries without going into the "flight" mode. I take one day at a time, choosing to live in the moment. There is great comfort in knowing the God I serve is Omniscient, Omnipresent, and Omnipotent. He has always gone before me and that is unchangeable.

In August, my new 3rd graders came into the classroom with extra enthusiasm and energy. My task was figuring out how to channel that into appropriate behavior. It was quite overwhelming and I had to continually try new things to find what worked with this group of students, what motivated them. I had the privilege of attending a "Responsive Classroom" workshop during the summer. This was an amazing opportunity to talk with other teachers and administrators about the struggles our students face and included many resources to help us to help them better. I left with many new "tools" for my "toolbox". Some things worked with my new group of third graders, but some did not. I am reminded that it is all about showing grace, as our school theme is for this year. Each day brings new challenges, but also hidden blessings. My class has come so far since the first months of school. We gradually progress with patience and wisdom. I love being a teacher and my classroom is a safe haven. I can't believe the year is half over already! We've had academics, parties, movies, laughter, and tears. I'm finding how unique each of my students is. They love to serve others! Third graders did a collection for Caminito de Jesus that brought in money for them during their sale on family day.
We also raised a lot of money for the staff of a school in Puerto Rico to fix their homes after the hurricane tore through the area. My students really surprised me on my birthday! They showed up with a cake, balloons, and presents. I'm not sure I've ever been so surprised. We've had to prepare for two major hurricanes and shut down the school. God was so good and we were spared the major damage they had expected here in the Dominican Republic. Many of the islands around us were hit hard. Also, our school is celebrating its 50th anniversary this year. It was amazing to escape Santiago in November to go to the beach. A group of us girls went and enjoyed the beach, food, sunsets/sunrises, and more.

In December Vida Nueva, my church, did a gift collection called Project 1-1-1 and I had the privilege to serve alongside others to pass out these gifts, along with the gospel, to over 400 children this holiday season. What a blessing it was to see the smiles on these children's faces!

It's been quite an eventful few months.

I am home for the holidays. It's wonderful to see how far we've all come. I enjoy our family time- watching movies, playing games, sitting by the Christmas tree and fireplace, and listening to Christmas songs.

I'm reminded it's okay to take time for me- to stop thinking just about what others think of me. I'm also reminded of how great God's love is for me as we celebrate this Christmas season.

I'll finish this entry with the following: If I have come to learn one of many important things, it would be to fully live in the present!

"Shut the gate on yesterday, and don't touch the gate on tomorrow. You no longer have yesterday. You do not yet have tomorrow. You only have today. Live in it!" Max Lucado

"When the train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don't throw away the ticket and jump off, you sit still and trust the engineer." Corrie ten Boom