After being home for a few weeks and looking ahead to how to proceed next, I've discovered/rediscovered a few things about myself. Some of this I've already shared but it all pulls together.
1.) Teaching was my idol- I told God if He ever took my teaching I would lose my purpose/my life.
SO HE TOOK IT.
2.) I had this misconception that I had to be a missionary "overseas" to have a real purpose for serving God to my greatest potential. From a young age I felt this calling, which I believe He still has for me, with a different mindset.
SO HE TOOK IT.
3.) I had to have my support system of friends, counselors, doctors that knew exactly (and understood) what I was thinking and feeling when words wouldn't come. They "got" me.
SO HE TOOK THEM.
4.) I had my safe places in the Dominican Republic where I could retreat (like the beach or the mountains) or a friend's home.
SO HE TOOK THEM.
And He showed me that the real answer to my healing is HIMSELF. I don't need to focus on people (as much as I still need them) as much as I need to run to HIM. I've based my life on expectations for myself, for others, for God. And now was the time for a shakedown.
It's a process that leaves me raw and exposed- everything stripped away.
Dare I say to God anymore that if I didn't have.........then.......?
It's a hard place to be, but it's here HE can begin to realign my dreams and His dreams for me with clarity in my heart and soul.
It is the refining process and I can choose to fight it and be miserable or accept this time in my life as HIS gift for me. To allow my heart to be changed- to be more alive to serve Him in even more amazing ways than I ever thought possible.
He will bring blessings out of my sorrows as I allow Him into those deep places. He will show me the way in which to walk. No longer will I seek the path that is dictated by my own ideas/actions. He wants 1st place and ALL of me. This is the beginning of a life that will be more meaningful as I keep HIM at the center. This is what He's revealing to me. It's not about teaching, people, country, beauty, health, just HIM.
Saturday, April 14, 2018
Saturday, March 31, 2018
Time of Transition
This was not what I ever expected. Little did I know how much my life would change in a week. Having taught 14 years, it is hard for me to imagine doing anything else. I would teach all year and volunteer during the summers. I always seemed to make it work. But, this year was challenging. I LOVE my students, but teaching seemed a lot more stressful and I was having problems adjusting to the classroom routines this year. The decision was made last week that I needed a "sabbatical". I needed to step back and reevaluate my plans. This was a HARD decision, but looking back a week later, I realize it was the right decision. I need time to rest and heal. Thankfully I had so much support through this process! My mom was able to come help me pack up all my belongings I'd accumulated over three years.
6 overweight suitcases, 3 carry ons, 1 guitar. I had precious friends who helped me pack my classroom and a dear friend (my Dominican momma) who is letting me store my teaching things at her house. Many tears were shed as I said goodbye to my SCS family. While most were celebrating spring break, I was finishing a chapter of my story. God's ways are higher than my ways. God has a reason for me returning to the US this year. I might not see it now, but He remains trustworthy. I need some time to take care of myself, to deal with some medical issues, while receiving the support of my family. Before we flew home, my mom and I took a day off to go to the beach. Playa Alicia is a beautiful beach!
We needed the calmness after the chaos of packing, sorting, and repacking. At one point I was sitting in the sand, letting it sift through my fingers, and God spoke to me. I tried to count each grain of sand, but found it to be impossible. There were so many different colors and sizes. It was impossible....for me.
Yet, God knows the number of the grains of sand on the earth, the number of hairs on my head, the number of stars in the sky. He cares about ME. Whatever I face, I am not alone. And THAT is enough. For the first time all week I felt a wave of peace sweep over me. He knows my future. He knows that this time off gives me time to learn Spanish, take classes at the University, volunteer, get involved with my church, spend time with family, or whatever else He wants for me. So I choose to embrace this time, not fight it. He showed me that I had let teaching become my idol. In the midst of brokenness over the years I turned to teaching for comfort. It was the one thing I told God to not take away, because I had to have that to turn to. In His graciousness, He decided now was the time to test me. It was very hard to fly away knowing I didn't have a return ticket. I was the one not clapping, but crying, on the plane as we landed in Miami.
Transition is hard! Many times already I have said I want to go "home". But I'm reminded this world is not my home. I'm just passing through. This is a season of my life and there is so much for me to look forward to. God's not done with me yet. I know in His perfect timing He will send me back to the Dominican Republic.
Wednesday, December 27, 2017
Living in the Present
Let me begin with a question. Do we really know those around us? Really know? For years I have struggled with anxiety without being able to explain what was happening inside me. I just thought I was going "crazy" and feared what people would think of me if they knew. I'd gotten good at hiding it. I was a "fixer" growing up and when things felt out of control I'd escape- leave the house, the situation, etc. I'd feel better, for a short time. I thought for most of my life I was doing a great job holding it all together. However, eventually I would implode and it would start over. I was caught in a vicious cycle. I'm beginning my entry this way to set the stage for the months in between my last post and this post.
At the end of the previous school year many staff left SCS. It was really hard to see so many go. But, it was God's plan that led them elsewhere and, for that, we rejoiced with them. The end of the year was very busy as it always is. I try to make the end of the year special for my students as it gets harder to focus with the excitement of summer plans running through their heads (and mine).
I won't begin to go into detail about each stop, but we drove hours every day and did sightseeing for as long as we had daylight. We made memories that we won't ever forget! It was exhausting and I was so glad to finally get back home. My mom was a great traveling companion. She kept me entertained during the long hours of driving.
An adventure isn't truly an adventure without some challenges along the way, including a major hailstorm that did a lot of damage to our rental car. The rest of my summer was spent with family- traveling back and forth to see my older sister and go to Six Flags. She pushed me to do some rides I wouldn't normally do, but I surprisingly enjoyed (most of ) them.
Our family had some really difficult things going on and I found myself bottling a lot inside. I wanted to change different situations and couldn't. I was left feeling helpless and overwhelmed. I didn't realize at the time that I was taking on things that weren't mine to carry. The anxiety started showing itself through panic attacks after I arrived back in the Dominican Republic. I felt like I was going crazy. Little things would trigger a "flight" response. I tried and tried to "get better". The past continued to hold onto me, the present seemed burdensome, and the future consumed me with fears and worries. The time came that I finally reached out for help. I had to admit that I couldn't continue the way I had for too long. Simply surviving. But in the acknowledging of my lack of ability to understand myself, I found hope for the first time in awhile. I have a team of people who care about me, who are willing to walk this road with me, to challenge me, and encourage me. For too long I was silent about my anxiety. But in opening myself, I began to experience freedom. I don't base my worthiness on others or their views of me. I began to focus on me for the first time, not in fixing others or trying to change circumstances beyond my control. It's a process, a journey. Layer upon layer. Some days are great and others are much harder. I'm learning to be okay with both. I'm learning that things change, people come and go, the unexpected happens, and it's still okay! Again, I'm thankful for those who have been by me in the valleys and on the mountaintops. God put these people in my life for this time. They have been instruments of God's love to me when I needed it most. I haven't posted in awhile because it's hard to admit that life throws us curve balls and we choose our reaction to them. My reactions/thoughts aren't always rational, but I'm at a place now where I can talk it through. I find alternative ways to face fears and worries without going into the "flight" mode. I take one day at a time, choosing to live in the moment. There is great comfort in knowing the God I serve is Omniscient, Omnipresent, and Omnipotent. He has always gone before me and that is unchangeable.
In August, my new 3rd graders came into the classroom with extra enthusiasm and energy. My task was figuring out how to channel that into appropriate behavior. It was quite overwhelming and I had to continually try new things to find what worked with this group of students, what motivated them. I had the privilege of attending a "Responsive Classroom" workshop during the summer. This was an amazing opportunity to talk with other teachers and administrators about the struggles our students face and included many resources to help us to help them better. I left with many new "tools" for my "toolbox". Some things worked with my new group of third graders, but some did not. I am reminded that it is all about showing grace, as our school theme is for this year. Each day brings new challenges, but also hidden blessings. My class has come so far since the first months of school. We gradually progress with patience and wisdom. I love being a teacher and my classroom is a safe haven. I can't believe the year is half over already! We've had academics, parties, movies, laughter, and tears. I'm finding how unique each of my students is. They love to serve others! Third graders did a collection for Caminito de Jesus that brought in money for them during their sale on family day.
We also raised a lot of money for the staff of a school in Puerto Rico to fix their homes after the hurricane tore through the area. My students really surprised me on my birthday! They showed up with a cake, balloons, and presents. I'm not sure I've ever been so surprised. We've had to prepare for two major hurricanes and shut down the school. God was so good and we were spared the major damage they had expected here in the Dominican Republic. Many of the islands around us were hit hard. Also, our school is celebrating its 50th anniversary this year. It was amazing to escape Santiago in November to go to the beach. A group of us girls went and enjoyed the beach, food, sunsets/sunrises, and more.
In December Vida Nueva, my church, did a gift collection called Project 1-1-1 and I had the privilege to serve alongside others to pass out these gifts, along with the gospel, to over 400 children this holiday season. What a blessing it was to see the smiles on these children's faces!
It's been quite an eventful few months.
I am home for the holidays. It's wonderful to see how far we've all come. I enjoy our family time- watching movies, playing games, sitting by the Christmas tree and fireplace, and listening to Christmas songs.
I'm reminded it's okay to take time for me- to stop thinking just about what others think of me. I'm also reminded of how great God's love is for me as we celebrate this Christmas season.
I'll finish this entry with the following: If I have come to learn one of many important things, it would be to fully live in the present!
"Shut the gate on yesterday, and don't touch the gate on tomorrow. You no longer have yesterday. You do not yet have tomorrow. You only have today. Live in it!" Max Lucado
"When the train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don't throw away the ticket and jump off, you sit still and trust the engineer." Corrie ten Boom
At the end of the previous school year many staff left SCS. It was really hard to see so many go. But, it was God's plan that led them elsewhere and, for that, we rejoiced with them. The end of the year was very busy as it always is. I try to make the end of the year special for my students as it gets harder to focus with the excitement of summer plans running through their heads (and mine).
I began making my own summer plans and, on a crazy whim, decided to rent a car and head westward. My mom jumped at the chance of going with me. It turned into a 9 day trip, covering over 4,000 across 10 states.
Our adventure included stopping points at some spectacular places such as Badlands National Park, Yellowstone, Salt Lake, Mount Rushmore, and Arches National Park.
I won't begin to go into detail about each stop, but we drove hours every day and did sightseeing for as long as we had daylight. We made memories that we won't ever forget! It was exhausting and I was so glad to finally get back home. My mom was a great traveling companion. She kept me entertained during the long hours of driving. An adventure isn't truly an adventure without some challenges along the way, including a major hailstorm that did a lot of damage to our rental car. The rest of my summer was spent with family- traveling back and forth to see my older sister and go to Six Flags. She pushed me to do some rides I wouldn't normally do, but I surprisingly enjoyed (most of ) them.
Our family had some really difficult things going on and I found myself bottling a lot inside. I wanted to change different situations and couldn't. I was left feeling helpless and overwhelmed. I didn't realize at the time that I was taking on things that weren't mine to carry. The anxiety started showing itself through panic attacks after I arrived back in the Dominican Republic. I felt like I was going crazy. Little things would trigger a "flight" response. I tried and tried to "get better". The past continued to hold onto me, the present seemed burdensome, and the future consumed me with fears and worries. The time came that I finally reached out for help. I had to admit that I couldn't continue the way I had for too long. Simply surviving. But in the acknowledging of my lack of ability to understand myself, I found hope for the first time in awhile. I have a team of people who care about me, who are willing to walk this road with me, to challenge me, and encourage me. For too long I was silent about my anxiety. But in opening myself, I began to experience freedom. I don't base my worthiness on others or their views of me. I began to focus on me for the first time, not in fixing others or trying to change circumstances beyond my control. It's a process, a journey. Layer upon layer. Some days are great and others are much harder. I'm learning to be okay with both. I'm learning that things change, people come and go, the unexpected happens, and it's still okay! Again, I'm thankful for those who have been by me in the valleys and on the mountaintops. God put these people in my life for this time. They have been instruments of God's love to me when I needed it most. I haven't posted in awhile because it's hard to admit that life throws us curve balls and we choose our reaction to them. My reactions/thoughts aren't always rational, but I'm at a place now where I can talk it through. I find alternative ways to face fears and worries without going into the "flight" mode. I take one day at a time, choosing to live in the moment. There is great comfort in knowing the God I serve is Omniscient, Omnipresent, and Omnipotent. He has always gone before me and that is unchangeable.
In August, my new 3rd graders came into the classroom with extra enthusiasm and energy. My task was figuring out how to channel that into appropriate behavior. It was quite overwhelming and I had to continually try new things to find what worked with this group of students, what motivated them. I had the privilege of attending a "Responsive Classroom" workshop during the summer. This was an amazing opportunity to talk with other teachers and administrators about the struggles our students face and included many resources to help us to help them better. I left with many new "tools" for my "toolbox". Some things worked with my new group of third graders, but some did not. I am reminded that it is all about showing grace, as our school theme is for this year. Each day brings new challenges, but also hidden blessings. My class has come so far since the first months of school. We gradually progress with patience and wisdom. I love being a teacher and my classroom is a safe haven. I can't believe the year is half over already! We've had academics, parties, movies, laughter, and tears. I'm finding how unique each of my students is. They love to serve others! Third graders did a collection for Caminito de Jesus that brought in money for them during their sale on family day. 
We also raised a lot of money for the staff of a school in Puerto Rico to fix their homes after the hurricane tore through the area. My students really surprised me on my birthday! They showed up with a cake, balloons, and presents. I'm not sure I've ever been so surprised. We've had to prepare for two major hurricanes and shut down the school. God was so good and we were spared the major damage they had expected here in the Dominican Republic. Many of the islands around us were hit hard. Also, our school is celebrating its 50th anniversary this year. It was amazing to escape Santiago in November to go to the beach. A group of us girls went and enjoyed the beach, food, sunsets/sunrises, and more.
In December Vida Nueva, my church, did a gift collection called Project 1-1-1 and I had the privilege to serve alongside others to pass out these gifts, along with the gospel, to over 400 children this holiday season. What a blessing it was to see the smiles on these children's faces!
It's been quite an eventful few months.I am home for the holidays. It's wonderful to see how far we've all come. I enjoy our family time- watching movies, playing games, sitting by the Christmas tree and fireplace, and listening to Christmas songs.
I'll finish this entry with the following: If I have come to learn one of many important things, it would be to fully live in the present!
"Shut the gate on yesterday, and don't touch the gate on tomorrow. You no longer have yesterday. You do not yet have tomorrow. You only have today. Live in it!" Max Lucado
"When the train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don't throw away the ticket and jump off, you sit still and trust the engineer." Corrie ten Boom
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)