Living in the Present

Let me begin with a question. Do we really know those around us? Really know? For years I have struggled with anxiety without being able to explain what was happening inside me. I just thought I was going "crazy" and feared what people would think of me if they knew. I'd gotten good at hiding it. I was a "fixer" growing up and when things felt out of control I'd escape- leave the house, the situation, etc. I'd feel better, for a short time. I thought for most of my life I was doing a great job holding it all together. However, eventually I would implode and it would start over. I was caught in a vicious cycle. I'm beginning my entry this way to set the stage for the months in between my last post and this post.

At the end of the previous school year many staff left SCS. It was really hard to see so many go. But, it was God's plan that led them elsewhere and, for that, we rejoiced with them. The end of the year was very busy as it always is. I try to make the end of the year special for my students as it gets harder to focus with the excitement of summer plans running through their heads (and mine).

I began making my own summer plans and, on a crazy whim, decided to rent a car and head westward. My mom jumped at the chance of going with me. It turned into a 9 day trip, covering over 4,000 across 10 states. 

Our adventure included stopping points at some spectacular places such as Badlands National Park, Yellowstone, Salt Lake, Mount Rushmore, and Arches National Park.

I won't begin to go into detail about each stop, but we drove hours every day and did sightseeing for as long as we had daylight. We made memories that we won't ever forget! It was exhausting and I was so glad to finally get back home. My mom was a great traveling companion. She kept me entertained during the long hours of driving.
An adventure isn't truly an adventure without some challenges along the way, including a major hailstorm that did a lot of damage to our rental car. The rest of my summer was spent with family- traveling back and forth to see my older sister and go to Six Flags. She pushed me to do some rides I wouldn't normally do, but I surprisingly enjoyed (most of ) them.

Our family had some really difficult things going on and I found myself bottling a lot inside. I wanted to change different situations and couldn't. I was left feeling helpless and overwhelmed. I didn't realize at the time that I was taking on things that weren't mine to carry. The anxiety started showing itself through panic attacks after I arrived back in the Dominican Republic. I felt like I was going crazy. Little things would trigger a "flight" response. I tried and tried to "get better". The past continued to hold onto me, the present seemed burdensome, and the future consumed me with fears and worries. The time came that I finally reached out for help. I had to admit that I couldn't continue the way I had for too long. Simply surviving. But in the acknowledging of my lack of ability to understand myself, I found hope for the first time in awhile. I have a team of people who care about me, who are willing to walk this road with me, to challenge me, and encourage me. For too long I was silent about my anxiety. But in opening myself, I began to experience freedom. I don't base my worthiness on others or their views of me. I began to focus on me for the first time, not in fixing others or trying to change circumstances beyond my control. It's a process, a journey. Layer upon layer. Some days are great and others are much harder. I'm learning to be okay with both. I'm learning that things change, people come and go, the unexpected happens, and it's still okay! Again, I'm thankful for those who have been by me in the valleys and on the mountaintops. God put these people in my life for this time. They have been instruments of God's love to me when I needed it most. I haven't posted in awhile because it's hard to admit that life throws us curve balls and we choose our reaction to them. My reactions/thoughts aren't always rational, but I'm at a place now where I can talk it through. I find alternative ways to face fears and worries without going into the "flight" mode. I take one day at a time, choosing to live in the moment. There is great comfort in knowing the God I serve is Omniscient, Omnipresent, and Omnipotent. He has always gone before me and that is unchangeable.

In August, my new 3rd graders came into the classroom with extra enthusiasm and energy. My task was figuring out how to channel that into appropriate behavior. It was quite overwhelming and I had to continually try new things to find what worked with this group of students, what motivated them. I had the privilege of attending a "Responsive Classroom" workshop during the summer. This was an amazing opportunity to talk with other teachers and administrators about the struggles our students face and included many resources to help us to help them better. I left with many new "tools" for my "toolbox". Some things worked with my new group of third graders, but some did not. I am reminded that it is all about showing grace, as our school theme is for this year. Each day brings new challenges, but also hidden blessings. My class has come so far since the first months of school. We gradually progress with patience and wisdom. I love being a teacher and my classroom is a safe haven. I can't believe the year is half over already! We've had academics, parties, movies, laughter, and tears. I'm finding how unique each of my students is. They love to serve others! Third graders did a collection for Caminito de Jesus that brought in money for them during their sale on family day.
We also raised a lot of money for the staff of a school in Puerto Rico to fix their homes after the hurricane tore through the area. My students really surprised me on my birthday! They showed up with a cake, balloons, and presents. I'm not sure I've ever been so surprised. We've had to prepare for two major hurricanes and shut down the school. God was so good and we were spared the major damage they had expected here in the Dominican Republic. Many of the islands around us were hit hard. Also, our school is celebrating its 50th anniversary this year. It was amazing to escape Santiago in November to go to the beach. A group of us girls went and enjoyed the beach, food, sunsets/sunrises, and more.

In December Vida Nueva, my church, did a gift collection called Project 1-1-1 and I had the privilege to serve alongside others to pass out these gifts, along with the gospel, to over 400 children this holiday season. What a blessing it was to see the smiles on these children's faces!

It's been quite an eventful few months.

I am home for the holidays. It's wonderful to see how far we've all come. I enjoy our family time- watching movies, playing games, sitting by the Christmas tree and fireplace, and listening to Christmas songs.

I'm reminded it's okay to take time for me- to stop thinking just about what others think of me. I'm also reminded of how great God's love is for me as we celebrate this Christmas season.

I'll finish this entry with the following: If I have come to learn one of many important things, it would be to fully live in the present!

"Shut the gate on yesterday, and don't touch the gate on tomorrow. You no longer have yesterday. You do not yet have tomorrow. You only have today. Live in it!" Max Lucado

"When the train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don't throw away the ticket and jump off, you sit still and trust the engineer." Corrie ten Boom

I have not been a faithful blogger! I guess the positive would be that I've been busy enough that I haven't had time to sit down and write out my adventures from the last few months OR it's been the typical ordinary news that comes from the day to day life of a teacher. This semester has flown by, but at moments time seems to slow way down. My 2nd year teaching in the DR is coming to a close. The final 10 day countdown is on. Here's a brief look at the past few months:

My dad got these ties for Christmas, but
I liked the one that lit up and had to try it!

I went back to the states to see my family over Christmas break. I always love catching up with them in person. As much as I am gone from them, it only makes my time with them so much more special. We bundled up in blankets and went around town looking at Christmas lights set to Christmas music. We gathered as a family to play games and have Christmas dinner. I went to the Christmas Eve service with my sister. It was wonderful to celebrate together. The kids are growing up so quickly!

However, I did NOT like the single degree temps! Five degrees before I moved now feels like -30 degrees. I never stopped shivering until I stepped off the plane when I came home.

I got to play in the snow with my
nieces and nephew

The weather also contributed to a rough flight back (leaving this freaked out traveler questioning if I'd ever get back on a plane) ending in our iced over plane sitting on the runaway just yards from my family. 

What do you do with antsy kids?
Put on the music and dance!

I danced in the new year with my family, the only way to keep the young ones (or maybe the older ones) entertained and awake for the last few minutes of 2016. 

As we brought in the new year, God reminded me that sometimes life, or each year in this case, seems to be pieces of something larger, like pieces of a puzzle. We pick up a piece and try to figure out where it fits in the big picture. When it won't fit where we try to put it, we get easily discouraged. After trying piece after piece, sometimes we give up. It seems like life is just a pile of random pieces. God comes along and starts fitting in one piece at a time. Some go in smoothly and some are more difficult. We try to rush Him so we can see the final picture. We try to fit in pieces on our own that just don't fit no matter how many ways we turn them. Or we try to take pieces from another puzzle and make them our own. Each piece is important to the final picture. We can't decide to leave one out just because we don't like it. Sometimes He chooses to give us a glimpse of the beautiful masterpiece He's creating. Other times He works patience in us. He quietly reminds us that we don't have to have it all together in our time frame. It is a process, but one day we will see the full picture, revealed in His time and in His way. 2016 was a year of celebration and loss, tears and laughter, failures and successes. God blessed me with new friendships, a wonderful school and church family, and answered prayers. I was very ready to go back to the sun and warmth of the DR. 

I was able to join some of my SCS family for a day at the beach, in JANUARY! I was able to talk with people I don't normally get the chance to during the school week. Mr. Boyd has some really cool stories from his world travels. The highlight of the day was being able to snorkel with some of the kids, one being one of my students. I came to the conclusion we should have field trips out in nature- like snorkeling in the ocean. Valentine's Day was extra fun to celebrate this year as there were photo booths around campus and I got a lot of goofy pictures with my students. Also in February, our school supported International Childhood Cancer Day by wearing yellow shirts and bringing toys/art supplies to donate to local hospitals to share with children fighting pediatric cancer.

We released a bunch of balloons and watched them as they took to the sky. It was great to get our students thinking about helping others who are struggling, especially in this specific way. In the spring the elementary classes collected school supplies for one of our partner schools. There was a good amount donated! The students were excited to help in this tangible way and understand the blessing it is to this school.

There were some personal struggles I faced this semester that God used to remind me that I am not in control of life's circumstances or other people and my anchor must be in Christ, because anywhere else is as shifting sand. God brought the right people into my life at the right time to encourage, fervently pray, and support me. I wasn't walking through these things alone. God taught me many valuable lessons, maybe one of the most important being to stand still and listen for Him in the midst of chaos and confusion. I'm learning it's there that He wants me to find His perfect peace. He's also been teaching me how to be led only by Him, not by others opinions, not my own selfish desires, not by emotions. He is calling me to simply trust that whatever His plan is that it would be the best. When my faith falters, His faithfulness remains ever steadfast. How thankful I am for His unchanging promises!

Many weeks were spent preparing for my mom to come visit in April. I wanted her first experience in the Dominican Republic to be one she always remembers. I tried to plan as much as possible without overdoing it. I was really excited to pick her up at the airport. It was so surreal. The anticipation was overwhelming (as my Facebook friends could tell). Finally she could experience first hand the place that stole my heart, to meet the people who have become my Dominican family, to see the amazing beauty of this country and its people.

There were so many fun adventures we went on. First, we went to the cacao plantation and saw how chocolate is made.

On the way back to Santiago we stopped at Salto de Jimenoa. Because of all the rain we had gotten, it was quite powerful. You can't visit the DR and leave without having seen one waterfall. 

The weather was beautiful the whole time she was here. (The floods of rain began soon after she left). She spent several days at school with me and my students loved her! It felt like old times when she would frequently drop in with crafts to do with the kids or a recipe for something she'd make with my students. They asked every morning what time she was arriving. They didn't want her to leave. She did crafts with them and brought spring into our classroom. She was able to see how our classroom typically runs and help with the curriculum fair when we did the wax museum.

Darlene drove us to Santo Domingo for the day and we showed her Tres Ojos and the Colonial Zone. Tres Ojos is an open air cave consisting of three lakes fed by an underground river. The fourth lake is accessible by a small boat. 

Alcázar de Colón

We finished the day with a trip to the Botanical Gardens.

It was a long day, but well worth the trip to show her some of the history and beauty in the southern part of the island.

My beautiful momma

We visited the monument here in Santiago and she was able to see the city from a slightly higher vantage point. She was continually amazed, as I still am, at the beauty of this city with the backdrop of the mountains.

We had to stop on the side of the road
for a picture with this background!

I took her to Puerto Plata for the last few days she was here to relax and explore the North Coast. It was beautiful! Neither of us were used to this kind of relaxation. We got used to it very quickly though. We took day trips to explore the area. One day we went to Cabarete. I wanted to show her the kite surfing. We laugh about our trip to the beach in Cabarete, because the waves were quite strong and kept knocking her under. I was worried one time when she didn't pop back up after being knocked under. I didn't want to be responsible for her near drowning, so I held onto her after that. We went searching for some paintings for my apartment and went home with four different sizes all having beach themes.

my shell finding buddy

the resort that we stayed at

The next day we went to El Teleferico,
which had a breathtaking view of the city from the top of the mountain. It was so clear. I was reminded of my devotional: "Be willing to keep climbing this high mountain with Me. This journey is training you to see from a heavenly perspective that transcends your circumstances. The higher up the mountain you climb, the steeper and more challenging your path becomes, but the greater your adventure as well." (Jesus Calling) 

The time came when I had to send her back to the states. I guess the rest of the family missed her. I enjoyed every minute from watching the sunsets from our balcony to watching movies in the evening to hanging out on the beach. She has been and always will be my traveling adventure buddy. I'm sure she was glad to be back home and rest up from the busy trip.

At SCS we are almost to the finish line. A few short days left to go before this school year closes. I continue to grow as a teacher in patience and adaptability. Recently I listened to the giggles of my students as they did jump rope races across the lawn of the school (and failing in style). I don't think many of them had jump roped before this day (especially the boys). I realized how much I'm going to miss these students. I will miss the chorus of "Miss Tucker, Miss Tucker" from 15 kids needing my attention at the same time, as frustrating as it can be at times. I will miss looking into their excited and refreshed faces as they enter my classroom every morning. I will miss the cheers and applause that fill the room as a student wins a Bible drill for the 1st time this year. I love the laughter during our morning meeting activities such as "pass the chicken" or "do you want to buy a duck?". I stand amazed at three of my girls who came into my class so timid and overwhelmed just a few months ago, not speaking much English, but now participating with confidence in class discussions and hanging out with new friends. I will miss the continual need for reassurance as a student tries a multiplication problem for the 20th time and finally succeeds. Just today I felt a tiny hand slip into mine, the hand of a student who is going through some rough things for a third grader. I squeeze it tightly to let her know I'm here. I had a student at the end of class ask me if I'd miss them when summer vacation started. He shared that he had already cried because he'd miss our class and I could hardly contain myself as I told him that I would sincerely miss them all. I want to hold onto every moment. They are slipping away so quickly. I am proud of how they lift each other up and jump in to help each other when they haven't been asked to. Soon I will be passing this group on to the next teacher, praying they can find the treasure hidden inside each of these precious students. They've taught me so many lessons such as how to dab, ballet steps (I'm sure I looked ridiculous), but more importantly how to see each one as unique, how to build a relationship of trust with them, and the importance of just stopping to listen to them.

My class has been studying the life of Paul over the past several weeks. We learned the joys and struggles that Paul endured as he committed his life to spreading the Gospel, yet he didn't give up at the end. We also discussed in our morning devotions about finishing strong. Even as the end of the year approaches, I still have time to invest in each of my students. I can be an example to them of someone who perseveres through the tiredness and business that comes with the end of the year. My tendency is to jump into summer mode and not live fully in these last moments. I must determine that I will give 100% to my students and not waste the precious time I have left with them. 

God has shown me that my plans are not always His plans and to be okay with that. Several things I had wanted to do this year didn't work out, but I will continue to push on- learning Spanish, reaching the community, and building relationships with our SCS families. God's mercies are new every day. God has blessed me with a wonderful co-teacher for third grade. She's been a great encouragement to me with her energy and enthusiasm. I've had two wonderful aides this year that I couldn't have run my classroom without. My list of blessings could go on and on, but I'll end with....

Should you see me in the next few weeks and my eyes are red and my cheeks are tear-stained, remind me that these are not good-byes, but "see you later".