Goodbye 2018, Hello 2019

Wow! Another year has flown by! It seems like yesterday that we were celebrating 2018 and here we are again, one year later. In January I went with 13 friends to Samana in the Dominican Republic. It was a trip filled with rainstorms,  rainbows, an epic boat ride, and lots of laughter! Valentine's Day is one of my favorite holidays to celebrate with my students. We had photo props, a party with lots of goodies,  and fun games. In March I returned to the states. The following months were some of the most difficult I've ever faced. I had many things I needed to address and much healing that needed to take place. But God remained faithful through it all. He strategically placed people in my life to walk with me, to encourage me, and to challenge me. People that kept pointing me back to God's perfect time and plan. In this season God had to strip away everything that hindered me from going forward. I've had to learn that healing is a journey, not a specific point I reach. It's a journey with mountains and valleys.

Summer was busy with babysitting, a trip to New Mexico to reconnect with friends, and a trip back to the Dominican Republic. Beth got married in July! It's hard to believe my little sister is married.

In the fall God blessed me with jobs in the "teaching line". I got to experience being a preschool teacher's aide and homeschooling a 3rd grader. Both of which I love doing!

I loved being back to enjoy fall: the pumpkin patch, wonderful smells, fall foods, falling leaves. Fall is never long enough though.

Another big lesson that God had to teach me (is teaching me) is the value of being still. In October, life threw me a curveball. I went to the ER after experiencing extreme vertigo where I was diagnosed with a vertebral artery dissection. After being hospitalized and given an MRI, a stroke was ruled out. We could see God's hand over this whole situation because I was in the right place at the right time to be given the best care possible for this diagnosis. I was on strict limitations for several weeks. It is scary not to be able to see an injury or control what's going on inside of me. But I felt peace knowing I would receive good care whatever happened. In November I had some concerning symptoms that landed me back in the ER and after another CT scan I found out that the artery dissection had healed itself! It didn't explain my new symptoms, but this was a huge relief. This truly was something to celebrate on Thanksgiving.

Being home for December meant I got to help with all the Christmas baking and decorating. I'm "sugared out", filled up on Holiday Baking Championships, warmed by Hallmark movies, and entertained by Christmas lights with music. I loved family time and Christmas Eve candlelight services.

Christmas season is over and it's time to look forward to a new year and all it brings. In 2018 God taught me that "sometimes it requires more faith to work on the inside, to deal with my mental health, than to go off to another country". My perspective had to be changed. I'm excited to see what God has for me in 2019. My words for the year are hope and courage. Many times this past year felt hopeless, but where I felt most hopeless is where God showed up and is restoring hope. I had also been afraid to face many things so I could heal completely, but God is giving me courage, to step out of my comfort zone, and I know He will continue to do that as I embrace what He allows in my life.

So, welcome 2019!

"I only see a fraction of what God is doing in my life and it may not make any sense."

The Right Place To Be

After being home for a few weeks and looking ahead to how to proceed next, I've discovered/rediscovered a few things about myself. Some of this I've already shared but it all pulls together.

1.) Teaching was my idol- I told God if He ever took my teaching I would lose my purpose/my life.

SO HE TOOK IT.

2.) I had this misconception that I had to be a missionary "overseas" to have a real purpose for serving God to my greatest potential. From a young age I felt this calling, which I believe He still has for me, with a different mindset.

SO HE TOOK IT.

3.) I had to have my support system of friends, counselors, doctors that knew exactly (and understood) what I was thinking and feeling when words wouldn't come. They "got" me.

SO HE TOOK THEM.

4.) I had my safe places in the Dominican Republic where I could retreat (like the beach or the mountains) or a friend's home.

SO HE TOOK THEM.

And He showed me that the real answer to my healing is HIMSELF. I don't need to focus on people (as much as I still need them) as much as I need to run to HIM. I've based my life on expectations for myself, for others, for God. And now was the time for a shakedown.

It's a process that leaves me raw and exposed- everything stripped away.

Dare I say to God anymore that if I didn't have.........then.......?

It's a hard place to be, but it's here HE can begin to realign my dreams and His dreams for me with clarity in my heart and soul.

It is the refining process and I can choose to fight it and be miserable or accept this time in my life as HIS gift for me. To allow my heart to be changed- to be more alive to serve Him in even more amazing ways than I ever thought possible.

He will bring blessings out of my sorrows as I allow Him into those deep places. He will show me the way in which to walk. No longer will I seek the path that is dictated by my own ideas/actions. He wants 1st place and ALL of me. This is the beginning of a life that will be more meaningful as I keep HIM at the center. This is what He's revealing to me. It's not about teaching, people, country, beauty, health, just HIM.

Time of Transition

This was not what I ever expected. Little did I know how much my life would change in a week. Having taught 14 years, it is hard for me to imagine doing anything else. I would teach all year and volunteer during the summers. I always seemed to make it work. But, this year was challenging. I LOVE my students, but teaching seemed a lot more stressful and I was having problems adjusting to the classroom routines this year. The decision was made last week that I needed a "sabbatical". I needed to step back and reevaluate my plans. This was a HARD decision, but looking back a week later, I realize it was the right decision. I need time to rest and heal. Thankfully I had so much support through this process! My mom was able to come help me pack up all my belongings I'd accumulated over three years.

6 overweight suitcases, 3 carry ons, 1 guitar. I had precious friends who helped me pack my classroom and a dear friend (my Dominican momma) who is letting me store my teaching things at her house. Many tears were shed as I said goodbye to my SCS family. While most were celebrating spring break, I was finishing a chapter of my story. God's ways are higher than my ways. God has a reason for me returning to the US this year. I might not see it now, but He remains trustworthy. I need some time to take care of myself, to deal with some medical issues, while receiving the support of my family. Before we flew home, my mom and I took a day off to go to the beach. Playa Alicia is a beautiful beach!

We needed the calmness after the chaos of packing, sorting, and repacking. At one point I was sitting in the sand, letting it sift through my fingers, and God spoke to me. I tried to count each grain of sand, but found it to be impossible. There were so many different colors and sizes. It was impossible....for me.

Yet, God knows the number of the grains of sand on the earth, the number of hairs on my head, the number of stars in the sky. He cares about ME. Whatever I face, I am not alone. And THAT is enough. For the first time all week I felt a wave of peace sweep over me. He knows my future. He knows that this time off gives me time to learn Spanish, take classes at the University, volunteer, get involved with my church, spend time with family, or whatever else He wants for me. So I choose to embrace this time, not fight it. He showed me that I had let teaching become my idol. In the midst of brokenness over the years I turned to teaching for comfort. It was the one thing I told God to not take away, because I had to have that to turn to. In His graciousness, He decided now was the time to test me. It was very hard to fly away knowing I didn't have a return ticket. I was the one not clapping, but crying, on the plane as we landed in Miami.

Transition is hard! Many times already I have said I want to go "home". But I'm reminded this world is not my home. I'm just passing through. This is a season of my life and there is so much for me to look forward to. God's not done with me yet. I know in His perfect timing He will send me back to the Dominican Republic.