After being home for a few weeks and looking ahead to how to proceed next, I've discovered/rediscovered a few things about myself. Some of this I've already shared but it all pulls together.
1.) Teaching was my idol- I told God if He ever took my teaching I would lose my purpose/my life.
SO HE TOOK IT.
2.) I had this misconception that I had to be a missionary "overseas" to have a real purpose for serving God to my greatest potential. From a young age I felt this calling, which I believe He still has for me, with a different mindset.
SO HE TOOK IT.
3.) I had to have my support system of friends, counselors, doctors that knew exactly (and understood) what I was thinking and feeling when words wouldn't come. They "got" me.
SO HE TOOK THEM.
4.) I had my safe places in the Dominican Republic where I could retreat (like the beach or the mountains) or a friend's home.
SO HE TOOK THEM.
And He showed me that the real answer to my healing is HIMSELF. I don't need to focus on people (as much as I still need them) as much as I need to run to HIM. I've based my life on expectations for myself, for others, for God. And now was the time for a shakedown.
It's a process that leaves me raw and exposed- everything stripped away.
Dare I say to God anymore that if I didn't have.........then.......?
It's a hard place to be, but it's here HE can begin to realign my dreams and His dreams for me with clarity in my heart and soul.
It is the refining process and I can choose to fight it and be miserable or accept this time in my life as HIS gift for me. To allow my heart to be changed- to be more alive to serve Him in even more amazing ways than I ever thought possible.
He will bring blessings out of my sorrows as I allow Him into those deep places. He will show me the way in which to walk. No longer will I seek the path that is dictated by my own ideas/actions. He wants 1st place and ALL of me. This is the beginning of a life that will be more meaningful as I keep HIM at the center. This is what He's revealing to me. It's not about teaching, people, country, beauty, health, just HIM.
